overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
