question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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