We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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