Capitaan dildo arrescate!
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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