i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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