are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
