Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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