She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
