There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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