Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
