i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
