I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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