WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
