i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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