I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
