At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
