woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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