Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
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