Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
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It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
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Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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