She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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