I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
