you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
