I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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