I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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