Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Randomize
