new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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