Jerry, you need to find god
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
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