She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
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