so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
