Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
