spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
