Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
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