I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
