I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
