I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
