So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
