Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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