She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Semen is not good for contacts.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
