Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
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This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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