I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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