On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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