The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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