I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
The air taste purple.
Randomize
