when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
