I wish my penis had an off switch
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
