I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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