That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
