Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I want her autograph on my taint
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
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