I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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