I wish I could teleport
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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