I didn't shave. On purpose
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
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We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
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I wish drunk me came with subtitles
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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