I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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