The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
